Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
