if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
