i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
