This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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