tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
