I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
