mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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