Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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