I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
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