You work out of a Hotel?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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