Don't make out with my wife yet
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
