did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
