the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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