I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
