found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
