I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
