I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
