Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
