John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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