Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
