Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
