Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
