Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
