She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
