When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
