i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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