You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
