I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
