Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
