Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
