3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
