I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
