happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
