don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
