i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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