It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Randomize
