yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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