doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
