i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
