He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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