I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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