As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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