Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
