Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
