My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
