why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
