Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
