Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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