bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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