I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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