: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just tell him i said nine months
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
